Sometimes I write songs but can't put a tune to them and call them poems

I can imagine me and you laying in the bed

We're being silly & crazy & you amaze me.

Next thing I know I'm fed, up

with all the lies and how we try to disguise

the pain that we both feel.

My God, I can't believe it's real.

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be.

Why don't you smile when you come home,

I try so hard and just don't know

How can I be better for you

Don't say that D word, it can't be true

Don't leave me

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

It takes two to talk

and it takes just one to walk

away from everything we built up to

and now we both hold the guilt of

taking turns talking and walking

Why won't you just let me in

Instead

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

A Great Debate

The moment when you finally catch a true lazy moment in the day and for once spend it watching reality TV. You watch an episode of Teen Mom and you oddly find yourself relating to a majority of the issues the young moms are going through. Sure, you got married and sure, you were a couple years older than then when you started. Another thing you have in common, you were not ready.
Is anybody ever truly ready? And, if they are, do they know they are ready? How do they know? Does that really raise any better of a child, or does it just make it less stressful on the parents?

I want to argue that in my mind, it comes down to the determination of the parent, definitely not the financial status or age of the parent. Was the baby planned? What were the intentions of creating another human being?

There were a few times while I was married where my former spouse would watch a show of my choosing instead of his. I recall once when I picked Teen Mom (I know I know!) and he actually watched with me. Legitimately watched and felt and empathized with the moms, he crap talked most of the guys actions and called them names left and right. At the end of the episode, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "If I ever acted that way while you were pregnant, if I acted half that bad, I apologize. You don't deserve that" and a few other choice comments about the parents.

At the time, I am pretty sure I just gave him a glazed over look because I did not want to answer. It wouldn't surprise me if I even lied to him and said "no baby you were much better" or "you weren't nearly that bad"! The truth is... I wanted to say and to this day it has been confirmed that I want to shout from the rooftops that he sucks as a parent. I want to smack him over the head for so many of the same things the moms in Teen Mom discuss on the show. I don't want to write this to complain about him... well I do but I hold myself to a higher standard... so what I am getting at is this.

I got married and had a baby at 20, out of my teenage years, my husband was 21. I know my mothering could have been better, but... can't everyone's? If we are waiting until we are happy with ourselves... most people would never have children. If we waited until society was happy with us... we would definitely never have children! Don't great, phenomenal people come from some of the worst places and upbringings? I just wanted to point out something here that I am sure many have said before me... it really does only mostly take love to raise a child and do it in a "right" way. I know we can argue money and other issues all day long... but the way I see it a homeless mom COULD be a way better mom than SOME millionaire couples. It all comes down to intentions.

How do people do this?

Day in and day out, this single parent thing, it feels like I might cave from the pressure every single moment of each day. I don't know if it is that I never pictured my life this way, or legitimately because it is as difficult as it feels. At least once a day I contemplate how on earth any other single parent has ever done this. Alone. And lived! How?!
The absolute only answer I see possible? My babies need me.
This post isn't me complaining, I really just don't know how I will do this for the next 20 ish years. In reality, it probably wouldn't have been too different in my previous situation (called marriage), but the little bit of help I had did lighten my load a tad.
I took the girls to the park today, and now that little one is walking a bit, it was the hardest thing since us girls have been doing our own thing. I had to stay with my little to help her walk and you know, make sure she didn't eat stuff off the playground floor, or get snatched up by the lurking park creep we all know is around every single corner. But my big baby wanted me to play, to spin her, to chase her. My heart was so torn. "How do I do this? It's not fair he's not here to help. How can I do this more efficiently? Will I ever be able to go out in public and feel sane again?"
Both of these babies need me, in the same way and each in their own ways as well, and I need myself on top of it!
Every day I spend working towards my dreams, goals, passions... working full-time and in school full-time flying jet speed toward everything that makes me happy to be doing and showing my girls how they don't have to settle, and at the same time raise those two sweet girls in such pivotal points of their lives and do it well? How? How have other people done this, and survived, or thrived? How do I do this and not be bitter towards him?
I've gotten better, but I still find myself upset that I'm here, only to be happy about it moments later. I get the compliments plenty. People who hear my story "wow, you're doing all that? you're amazing!" Yeah, I'm doing it, but I always worry my girls won't understand as they look back, why I was always busy, or why I couldn't stay home and cuddle them. Why I couldn't run the playground rampant with my big girl, or why there are so many pictures and videos of my big girl as a baby, but my little one has a photo shoot once in a blue moon. I hope they understand my hands are full when they look back, because I know they both hate me for it majority of the time now. I hope they understand their circumstances as infants are so different.
I know that I made the right choice following this career path, because I would have been putting the same amount of time, and probably more stress, into the office job I had at first, but I hope they know that I didn't do that for me, I did it so they will know they should have faith in themselves and follow their life dreams, and goals instead of settling, in any way. I hope they see the difference, grasp the meaning.

Emotional Roller coaster

Thanksgiving 2014. I'm still a bit numb, and glad, otherwise yesterday would have been impossible to live through. I feel so many emotions on a daily basis now. BUT, I always tune them out and just meet myself right in the middle everytime. Numb, or maybe the complete opposite, I feel so much that I cannot pinpoint any single emotion.
Elated, my biggest little helped decorate the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. It was just she and I, all 3 1/2 years of her and she did so great on our tree. That sweet baby, she was so happy to help as usual. When we got done decorating it and she looked down at the floor sadly and said she missed Daddy, that was raw, it was devistating. I still don't know how to explain this, and I don't think I ever will know. I was over the moon to spend that time with her, and it was such a good bonding experience, I won't even attempt to ruin it by putting it in words, but what I surprised myself when she said she missed him, and I said me too and found myself tearing up as well. I was hoping to get through these first set of holidays numb, not hateful and not hurting, but that's apparently not happening.
I went to bed the other night just fine, only to wake up bawling my eyes out because I was dreaming he was giving me a good morning forehead kiss. To think of so many of these little things that I won't experience with him again strikes a nerve, and it seems impossible that I won't ever feel his hand in mine again, his lips on mine, I won't ever be who I have been, he and I will never be us again. It still just seems like a big mirage.
I was reading a book the other day that says it takes 2 or 3 years on average to heal from a divorce properly. I immediately lost it and flew into a fit of tears. I do not want to feel this way another 2 years! Are you kidding me? I can lie to myself all day and say that I am okay, but look where that has gotten me so far.
Can this all just fade away? I want to wake up now.

When all else fails...

blog.
What a lonely world we live in, right? With all the advances of technology, it's easier to get online and vent when you are having an issue than it is to go to someone and ask them to go out of their comfort zone, put whichever device they are addicted to down for a minute and just let you cry, yell, vent, be held etc.
So, here I have found myself, all night long, processing the information that my ex husband has moved on, and not only this but to say the very least this has been a long time coming, like the whole last year of our marriage (not counting since I have known of him wanting the divorce). AND not only that either, she and her infant son are living with him. All of that is just icing on the damn cake to be quite honest. I won't divulge the other 12 things on my mind out of respect for him. Can you believe that, I'm still worried about having respect for him. Hmm, that is kind of hard for me to process at the moment honestly.
I have never just lost my temper with him, I have always tried to understand his way of thinking first and I can usually see from most points of view, however the past month I have found myself on 3 different occasions just wanting to lose my voice in a fit of rage screaming at him. Of course this won't happen because it is me we are talking about.
So while they are over there playing happy family (I presume of course) here I sit. Raising these two sweet girls, going back to school full-time, living now with my ex-husbands mother (who is literally the best woman on the planet, no sarcasm on that either) so that my babies have someone around who truely loves them as often as humanely possible in my situation. Not only for that reason, but also so he would know I'm not out acting crazy and partying and hanging out with random men etc. Again, respecting him, what the hell am I thinking, right?
I had so many signs to leave. I really did. Knowing that, I still don't think I would have because I really wanted to show him he should love himself by how much I loved him. Some people just won't understand that way I guess. Maybe God will bless him another way and he will realize. Who knows.

Until then, when all else fails I will probably blog.

The D Word

Hi all my fellow inter-web dweebs.
I have been one hell of a busy bee, and personally under a TON of personal construction.
I got the shocking news one morning after my husbands CQ shift basically a month after Baby #2 was born, the news that he wanted the dreaded and over used D word. A Divorce. I am smack dab in the middle of one of those. It's been almost 5 months now since I heard him say it and it still strikes a nerve in my heart, and in my head.
Just out of respect I'll keep the personal details there at a minimum for now since it is still such a hard topic for me, and any random day I feel stronger than the next. However, this D word sure dues bring about a lot of change. I have found the D word really is what you make it. Positive learning experience or a negative drama filled heated soul sucker, most days I choose positive.
I have both my baby girls full time, have moved back to the DFW area, did have a full-time job however decided I want to go back to school full-time and become a personal trainer/elementary school PE teacher (because who didn't love dodge ball and field day back then!); I am changing. I am realizing so many things about marriage, mine specifically as well as the term. Not just marriage, but myself. Who am I? I ask myself this more now than I ever have. Mostly because I now have two sweet angel babies watching my every move, and I mean EVERY! I know the woman I want to be, but as I ask myself "Who am I?" I need to make sure I know "Why am I"?
I asked my almost Ex-Husband last night "When did I change into this hateful person?". After settling his confusion in my random question he answered and it told me all I needed to know. Yes, his actions somewhere about a year into our relationship had begun this monster I have become, but am I going to blame him and get no where, or take responsibility for my actions? Every day I hope to choose the latter, but the truth is that probably won't happen.
I'm hoping to stretch my mind and grow from this. Praying not to loose my faith. And begging God to help me heal. I miss being a happy person, I miss loving people, I miss being open but not brutal.
Who are you in your relationship? Has that always been you? Do you want that to always be? Change it now, or it will not change.

Ta-ta cyberland

Medications during Labor and Breastfeeding

Be informed!
Well, I am in a facebook group for mommies from all over the place who are due in March 2014. It is a support group and we are there to make each other laugh and to confide in as well. Today a topic on our wall is about after birth care and I asked something about Breastfeeding that I never realized I needed to look into before. "Does Pitocin and or having an epidural affect breastfeeding?"
Well I got the answer to that, and found out a bit more about Pitocin and Jaundice correlations as well! Check out this article below.

Figuring How Medications during Labor Affect Breastfeeding - For Dummies

I am upset with myself for not researching this prior to my first child, but I had no idea it was something that would affect us for the long term. I'm not telling you as a new mommy or an experienced mommy that anything you choose is wrong, just want you to be informed in case this would make you do anything differently, the way I know it has confirmed my desire for a natural and medication free labor and delivery.

Ta-Ta!