Thanksgiving 2014. I'm still a bit numb, and glad, otherwise yesterday would have been impossible to live through. I feel so many emotions on a daily basis now. BUT, I always tune them out and just meet myself right in the middle everytime. Numb, or maybe the complete opposite, I feel so much that I cannot pinpoint any single emotion.
Elated, my biggest little helped decorate the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. It was just she and I, all 3 1/2 years of her and she did so great on our tree. That sweet baby, she was so happy to help as usual. When we got done decorating it and she looked down at the floor sadly and said she missed Daddy, that was raw, it was devistating. I still don't know how to explain this, and I don't think I ever will know. I was over the moon to spend that time with her, and it was such a good bonding experience, I won't even attempt to ruin it by putting it in words, but what I surprised myself when she said she missed him, and I said me too and found myself tearing up as well. I was hoping to get through these first set of holidays numb, not hateful and not hurting, but that's apparently not happening.
I went to bed the other night just fine, only to wake up bawling my eyes out because I was dreaming he was giving me a good morning forehead kiss. To think of so many of these little things that I won't experience with him again strikes a nerve, and it seems impossible that I won't ever feel his hand in mine again, his lips on mine, I won't ever be who I have been, he and I will never be us again. It still just seems like a big mirage.
I was reading a book the other day that says it takes 2 or 3 years on average to heal from a divorce properly. I immediately lost it and flew into a fit of tears. I do not want to feel this way another 2 years! Are you kidding me? I can lie to myself all day and say that I am okay, but look where that has gotten me so far.
Can this all just fade away? I want to wake up now.
