Sometimes I write songs but can't put a tune to them and call them poems

I can imagine me and you laying in the bed

We're being silly & crazy & you amaze me.

Next thing I know I'm fed, up

with all the lies and how we try to disguise

the pain that we both feel.

My God, I can't believe it's real.

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be.

Why don't you smile when you come home,

I try so hard and just don't know

How can I be better for you

Don't say that D word, it can't be true

Don't leave me

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

It takes two to talk

and it takes just one to walk

away from everything we built up to

and now we both hold the guilt of

taking turns talking and walking

Why won't you just let me in

Instead

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

A Great Debate

The moment when you finally catch a true lazy moment in the day and for once spend it watching reality TV. You watch an episode of Teen Mom and you oddly find yourself relating to a majority of the issues the young moms are going through. Sure, you got married and sure, you were a couple years older than then when you started. Another thing you have in common, you were not ready.
Is anybody ever truly ready? And, if they are, do they know they are ready? How do they know? Does that really raise any better of a child, or does it just make it less stressful on the parents?

I want to argue that in my mind, it comes down to the determination of the parent, definitely not the financial status or age of the parent. Was the baby planned? What were the intentions of creating another human being?

There were a few times while I was married where my former spouse would watch a show of my choosing instead of his. I recall once when I picked Teen Mom (I know I know!) and he actually watched with me. Legitimately watched and felt and empathized with the moms, he crap talked most of the guys actions and called them names left and right. At the end of the episode, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "If I ever acted that way while you were pregnant, if I acted half that bad, I apologize. You don't deserve that" and a few other choice comments about the parents.

At the time, I am pretty sure I just gave him a glazed over look because I did not want to answer. It wouldn't surprise me if I even lied to him and said "no baby you were much better" or "you weren't nearly that bad"! The truth is... I wanted to say and to this day it has been confirmed that I want to shout from the rooftops that he sucks as a parent. I want to smack him over the head for so many of the same things the moms in Teen Mom discuss on the show. I don't want to write this to complain about him... well I do but I hold myself to a higher standard... so what I am getting at is this.

I got married and had a baby at 20, out of my teenage years, my husband was 21. I know my mothering could have been better, but... can't everyone's? If we are waiting until we are happy with ourselves... most people would never have children. If we waited until society was happy with us... we would definitely never have children! Don't great, phenomenal people come from some of the worst places and upbringings? I just wanted to point out something here that I am sure many have said before me... it really does only mostly take love to raise a child and do it in a "right" way. I know we can argue money and other issues all day long... but the way I see it a homeless mom COULD be a way better mom than SOME millionaire couples. It all comes down to intentions.

Emotional Roller coaster

Thanksgiving 2014. I'm still a bit numb, and glad, otherwise yesterday would have been impossible to live through. I feel so many emotions on a daily basis now. BUT, I always tune them out and just meet myself right in the middle everytime. Numb, or maybe the complete opposite, I feel so much that I cannot pinpoint any single emotion.
Elated, my biggest little helped decorate the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. It was just she and I, all 3 1/2 years of her and she did so great on our tree. That sweet baby, she was so happy to help as usual. When we got done decorating it and she looked down at the floor sadly and said she missed Daddy, that was raw, it was devistating. I still don't know how to explain this, and I don't think I ever will know. I was over the moon to spend that time with her, and it was such a good bonding experience, I won't even attempt to ruin it by putting it in words, but what I surprised myself when she said she missed him, and I said me too and found myself tearing up as well. I was hoping to get through these first set of holidays numb, not hateful and not hurting, but that's apparently not happening.
I went to bed the other night just fine, only to wake up bawling my eyes out because I was dreaming he was giving me a good morning forehead kiss. To think of so many of these little things that I won't experience with him again strikes a nerve, and it seems impossible that I won't ever feel his hand in mine again, his lips on mine, I won't ever be who I have been, he and I will never be us again. It still just seems like a big mirage.
I was reading a book the other day that says it takes 2 or 3 years on average to heal from a divorce properly. I immediately lost it and flew into a fit of tears. I do not want to feel this way another 2 years! Are you kidding me? I can lie to myself all day and say that I am okay, but look where that has gotten me so far.
Can this all just fade away? I want to wake up now.

When all else fails...

blog.
What a lonely world we live in, right? With all the advances of technology, it's easier to get online and vent when you are having an issue than it is to go to someone and ask them to go out of their comfort zone, put whichever device they are addicted to down for a minute and just let you cry, yell, vent, be held etc.
So, here I have found myself, all night long, processing the information that my ex husband has moved on, and not only this but to say the very least this has been a long time coming, like the whole last year of our marriage (not counting since I have known of him wanting the divorce). AND not only that either, she and her infant son are living with him. All of that is just icing on the damn cake to be quite honest. I won't divulge the other 12 things on my mind out of respect for him. Can you believe that, I'm still worried about having respect for him. Hmm, that is kind of hard for me to process at the moment honestly.
I have never just lost my temper with him, I have always tried to understand his way of thinking first and I can usually see from most points of view, however the past month I have found myself on 3 different occasions just wanting to lose my voice in a fit of rage screaming at him. Of course this won't happen because it is me we are talking about.
So while they are over there playing happy family (I presume of course) here I sit. Raising these two sweet girls, going back to school full-time, living now with my ex-husbands mother (who is literally the best woman on the planet, no sarcasm on that either) so that my babies have someone around who truely loves them as often as humanely possible in my situation. Not only for that reason, but also so he would know I'm not out acting crazy and partying and hanging out with random men etc. Again, respecting him, what the hell am I thinking, right?
I had so many signs to leave. I really did. Knowing that, I still don't think I would have because I really wanted to show him he should love himself by how much I loved him. Some people just won't understand that way I guess. Maybe God will bless him another way and he will realize. Who knows.

Until then, when all else fails I will probably blog.

To H2O Birth or Not

March 6, 2014 = estimated D-DAY!
and the question I keep asking myself is if I can really do this natural birth thing!

With baby #1 it went something like this:
Water started leaking while I was out shopping, just a little bit, so we went home and grabbed my hospital bag and I cleaned up the mess in my undies from the leakage. (FTM mistake!) First time mommas, don't clean yourself up, matter of fact the last few weeks wear a pad! This way if you have a leak that is minimal it can be detected!
We drove 30 minutes to the hospital on post only to be told I had no fluid in my hoo-ha, and not to clean-up next time I think my water breaks.
At this point, after waiting around in L&D for about 2 hours we head back home. It had started snowing. So it takes us about an hour to get home safely as the roads were starting to ice over. We lived at the top of a gigantic valley hill in Puyallup, Wa.We couldn't even get into our parking spot out our apartment complex due to the degree of the hill. So I waddle my way down an ice covered hill and up ice covered stairs with my nervous husband inches behind me.
We crawl into bed, get busy, pass out quickly.
7:05 am I wake up thinking I have to pee, I stand up and take two steps and notice pee is slowly dripping down my leg. I waddle into the bathroom, not wanting to have another unnescesary trip to the post hospital in this weather, and not wanting to wake my husband to worry him if it is nothing, I sit on the potty for a minute and here a constant drip long after I go pee. I put on a pad and pull my panties up and go to lay in bed and wait to see if my pad fills up, but as I am on my waddly way back to bed I notice a fresh blood spot on the carpet from my dripping. So I wake my husband up and we slowly and calmly pack up and head out thinking we will just be sent back for a false alarm again.
So we slip and slide up the now frozen over night hill and climb into the car to take an hour and a half slow venture to the post hospital.
They confirmed I was in labor (I wasn't feeling contractions, or at least not noticing what was happening as at this point I was a FTM.
My birthplan the whole pregnancy was for an epidural, and STAT! After all, who am I to think I could live through childbirth! Impossible!
So as soon as they offered I said yes, and I felt not a single thing but numb from that point on. I couldn't tell if or when I was pushing, they even told me to grunt and I made the most fake grunting noise possible. 9 hours at the hospital (with the help of pitocin to speed up labor) and my daughter entered the world, all the while God was throwing confetti (snow) all over the place to celebrate her birth, and I gradually started gaining feeling back in my bottom half.

THIS TIME!
I have decided I am strong, other women have done this, I do not want to feel so out of it for such a significant part of life. I want to be a part of my delivery this time, and know that I am pushing!
The plan is to be completely unmedicated, no pitocin, and to let labor progress at home as long as possible. The post we are at now has tubs for water labor and water birth, and I can't help but want to try it. The chances of tearing are lower, stress to the baby is typically a lot lower, and there is something that just seems easier about it. Not to mention you can't see my hoo haa bright as day if it is under water (at least I feel like it is a little bit more camoflauged).
I think I have a lot more confidence, mostly due to realizing I have a God who loves me. My marriage isn't brand new anymore. Being a mommy isn't brand new anymore. I feel like I am a little more prepared, but as soon as I start feeling that way it scares the heck out of me!
Have you ever watched a waterbirth video? YouTube it! All these women seem so calm, so serene but so in the moment and aware. I wonder if I can really do that, during such a big moment, can I really keep calm and trust in God to help me through?
I fear feeling like a failure because I chicken out and want an epidural. I fear I lose faith in myself and my God. This almost makes me want to go straight for an epidural like last time, but I know facing that needle in my back instead of facing my fears of self will only make me feel weak anyways.

So, prayerfully a waterbirth is in my future, and I can make it to the end without giving in.
Anyone who has delivered this way, or been a part of this type of delivery, please send words of wisdom and encouragement my way. I sure could use some the next month or so!

Big Sister

Emery Fate Speigel
My sweet, curly-haired, almost 3 year old only child.
I have not taken the time to think of the things that are about to change for my sweet angel. I have thought about it broadly, how she will have a friend to do things with, to share with. I hadn't thought about the small things, not in depth at least. I read a blog tonight that turned my world upside down. It is a blog about a second child, the day she was born, and the mom being... oh I don't know what word describes it best... scared, surprised, caught off guard once the sweet second child was laid on her chest. This mother mentioned how she spent the last few hours with her oldest daughter, and pointed out how she would not be an only child much longer. At this point, my heart ached for my sweet Emery, and I went and held her as she was sleeping and I wept. The things she is going to experience, the changes this means for her; I knew, but never really thought about how different it will be for her.
After holding my big girl for 15 minutes or so I came back to finish reading the blog. The second child/baby in the blog had down syndrome and it was not known until her birthday by anyone. The mom describes all the different emotions and how the next few days went for her and how she grew and found her bond with the baby that was not what she had expected. This made me think of a friend who had a baby at full-term born still-born. What will I do if these things happen to me? How will I handle them? Most mom's just expect a nice healthy 100% normal baby, but in reality not every baby is.
I know God cherishes children, and I know down syndrome is not the end of the world by any means. I know if I have a baby born sleeping I will learn from it. What I want to know is, what would my natural instinct be? Or maybe I don't want to know... My heart aches the way any mother's would.
My world has been shaken tonight. 1. My first sweet girl is about to have her world turned upside down and affected in who knows what ways. 2. You never know what could happen during or after delivery. It is in God's hands and I know he only gives these special babies to those who are very deserving of them, but I pray if I were to have such circumstances happen upon me that I would have the strength to be the mommy I need to be.
Thank you God for bringing this blog onto my path.

Mary Kay 50th Anniversary Year End Sale!

For everyone who does not yet have a Mary Kay Consultant: I figured I would let you all know that I am throwing a huge sale today June 29,2013 ONLY in celebration of the end of Mary Kay's 50th year anniversary! 

30% off of EVERYTHING when you order on my website TODAY!

If you aren't interested maybe you know someone who could use this, send them my way if they do not yet have a consultant then this discount is for them! 

If you have never tried Mary Kay before then I have some GREAT news for you! I would love to send you some free samples!!! I want you to know how great our products are so that they may help better your life!

Also, like my facebook page for an entry into a drawing for a free brush set at 100 likes! Share the page for additional entries!

We have 7 combinations of skin-care sets that meet your proper skin-care needs! If you need help deciding on your order or more info on my current deals then call me at 253-241-7489!!!

My Mary Kay Website 

My Mary Kay Facebook Page 

Thankful & Sad

Proverbs 10:7

The memory of the righteous is blessed, But the name of the wicked will rot.

Being a military wife, and mother to a child whom I had to hold close every night for 9 months by myself it is an amazing feeling to have my husband home in my arms, and with no physical disabilities at that! However, deployment and deaths and injuries of his brothers in arms are feelings beyond words. Although I am thankful, I know a few who have not been so lucky as to have their spouse, son, daughter, sibling etc.come back from war into their arms.

I told my husband yesterday that I am so thankful that I don't have to be hurting right now, because he had two close calls during his deployment that could have easily made me a widow had they been handled wrong. I am so thankful; however my heart hurts as I lack the words to comfort acquaintances and friends who lose their loved ones to war. There are women who have stayed here near our current duty station even though they lost their spouse over a year ago, simply because this is the last place they were together and they don't feel comfortable anywhere else. I can't imagine that pain, and I am so close to it. I can't imagine how civilian families can even begin to comprehend how the loss of a soldier affects someone.

We barbeque on memorial day weekend, and we get together to drink when the men and women who died for us can not enjoy such things because they are in heaven reaping the benefits of a life well served. All we can do is remember, and I don't mean remember for just a second, it's Memorial Day WEEKEND. 

Think about the soldier who died who had a child they had never yet met because their baby was born during deployment and they didn't receive leave time and died before they could make it home. That baby could be 2 now, or 5 10 16 20 etc. Just imagine, having a parent who died so honorably, yet you never met them. Let it sink in. 

Think about the fiance who planned her whole wedding over the months to year that her loved one was deployed, the one who may have never received the call or information through family line that her Husband-to-be was no longer a part of her life plan. Think of the decisions she had to make from there on. Think of the hurt she goes through if she chose to move on and is with someone else, or that she feels if she still can't get over him. Think of her at these BBQ's full of great times.

Think about the parents who were sick in the hospital during deployment, the ones who were helping raise their child's children by supporting the spouse left behind. Think about the siblings who had bad parental influence and looked up to their older brother/sister in every way, and now they don't have that. Think about the friends who hadn't seen their buddy in years because s/he got stationed thousands of miles away and were awaiting their dear friends arrival because s/he was getting out of the military after this deployment, the soldier who only had a month after deployment left in this lifestyle.

Think about the soldiers who do come back, and while on the outside they look "fine" they battle with PTSD and feel ashamed because they are supposed to be strong, but they hurt. Think about the friends/ siblings in arms that they have lost, they have noticed are hurting.

These are things that will never change for these people, and most of the time you can't see just how much they are hurt. The people they surround themselves with are affected because it is usually difficult to know what to say or how to say it to help the widows, mommys, daddys, siblings, friends who lost someone near and dear to them in such an honorable manner.

Remember our fallen soldiers this Memorial Day. Remember that every day is hard for many people around us due to the loss of a soldier. Many people are too proud to say it, but they hurt. Pray for the families and friends and Battle Buddies who may never have closure.

Remember to toast, pray, mention, honor, fallen soldiers in some way while you hang out with the people near and dear to you this weekend. Love them and hold them close.

Not Your Average Middle School Crush

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Let me set the stage. It takes place at a school dance in a Intermediate/Middle school cafeteria. Tables pushed against walls and songs that should not be playing in a middle school echoing the room that at the time looked so huge to our 4'10 inch bodies. Random pre-teens scatered about in cliques and by their lonesome selves at the few cafeteria tables pushed against the walls. 

I am dancing my awkward white girl dance when I spot him, or maybe he spoted me. I really do not recall what happened anymore when it comes down to small details. When it comes down to it the basics are that eventually, before the night was over, a mutual friend introduced us and I fell in some serious puppy love. For some even number of months that I can't seem to remember exactly either, I was so wrapped around this football playing, shaggy hair having, shy but goofy personality of a cute CUTE boy. He was really great to me for us being so young. As I write this blog and realize how long it's been since I "forgot" about him, it's strange to think about how things changed and how I let society shape me. We had a relationship that in my mind now as a married woman trying to think back something like 9 years, very possibly could have led to a marriage.

I used to desire to spend every second with him. I remember our first date, however not our first kiss! My grandma (who raised me from age 11 to 18) sat a row behind us at a movie. I believe it was the first Lord of The Rings! How silly! I know his mom didn't approve of me, but she was always so accepting. I didn't see much of his dad. His adorable little sister, Payton, used to spy on us and try to hang out with us every chance she got! He was so annoyed back then, but God sent her in (or maybe it was just his Mom!) for a good reason.

I let peer pressure take hold of me. Caught in the hormones, worldly influence and lack of role model or religion in my life I ended up breaking up with him! I was upset because he wouldn't take it to the next step/level with me and I thought that meant he didn't "love" me. HOW RIDICULOUS is that!? 

I remember writing him a very long letter that summer and asking for him back. My heart was as crushed as a 13-year-olds heart could be when he didn't respond. All during high-school I hoped to end up in a class with him, and of course that never happened either. The few times that I did see him around at school (which was literally less than 10 times in my four high-school years) it brought all the pain and realization back to me. As I dated numerous guys on and off through-out high school I could have had such a great guy by my side. Of course there is no telling why we weren't meant to be, and I am content with that, but this blog topic definitely caught me off guard and made me remember so many silly things that happened while I was young.

I pray for the best for this man (Ryan S.) who is now probably doing great things with his life, and while I apologize for any hurt I might have caused his fragile pre-teen heart I know we are both better for it and are both where God intended us to end up individually. I hope he forgives my lack of self-respect as well as whatever rude things I am sure I had to say to him when really I was in the wrong.

I pray my daughter can run into a guy like that at a young age, only being raised by God-fearing parents I hope she makes more wise decisions than I did at that point. I pray she has a head on her shoulders and doesn't give into the peer pressure surrounding her, but instead gives in to putting God and his views and plans for marriage into her life.

God intended for us to wait for the right person, even if it isn't sex that we are talking about. Emotional investment, and all steps leading up to sex should happen over a LONG (think multiple years, sometimes 10 or 15 years!) period of time and serious commitment (MARRIAGE) to one another.

This blog topic makes me realize just how important it is to wait until marriage under GOD'S views to start being sexually active. Just because the world and your peers tell you it is okay, or it is the only way, that is not the case.Wait, make it be worth something. Your body is not other people's business, it is your temple for God to protect, let him do his job!

Satisfaction

John 6:35

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst".

When asked to describe a moment in my life that I felt the most satisfied I actually stumble quite a bit. Once my grandma got ahold of me I was raised to be a perfectionist and I really feel like that could be considered a disease! It is very rare that things happen according to plan in REAL every-day life! Perfectionists are set up for failure in my opinion. 
The closest to being completely satisfied I believe I have felt is end of summer going into beginning of fall of 2009. I had just started dating my husband and had my first office job and just felt like life was perfect, other than the fact that my fiancee at the time was away at basic. I feel like God makes even the most perfect moments imperfect just to remind you that this is a real world and real perfection takes very hard work.

Religion

John 13:34-35

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

My take on religion is this exact Bible verse. Love is all that matters! I am christian, and I am God-fearing. The thing that I love about following God is that His Word tells us over and over to love others. God loved others, sinful nature and all, so much that he sent his one and only son to die for all of those who had sinned, and all of those to sin in the future. Jesus was constantly trying to help sinners see the way to a happy ending, he hurt for them; he loved them. Just because someone does not follow the same beliefs as me, my religion still tells me to love them, to forgive them of their trespasses. For that, I am grateful. A world without forgiveness would be a very harsh place, considering we are ALL imperfect.

A Long Time Gone...

Ello Love!

I've been gone for a while, with reasonable cause. However, since I don't have to explain myself to this cyber world, I'll give you just the important points.

My husband has returned home from deployment!

What a glorious feeling. I have him home and in my arms. There are not many feelings that top this past few days that he has been home. Our relationship has developed over his deployment and we are off to an amazing start. Our daughter is so joyous at having her "My Daddy" home to love on. The first day she had him home she didn't want a thing to do with Mama, and wanted to hold Daddy's hand 99% of the time. She also said "I lah you dada" after everything she said. Oh, I'm in pure bliss having him back in good ole' 'Merica with us.

Our relationship was rather rocky when he left, and thanks to us both finding God over the time we were apart, our world is completely different now, and in what a great way! We have shared more, laughed harder, smiled bigger, loved stronger and tried harder this past week than I think we ever have. The Lord is so wonderful; I just LOVE MY GOD!

We are still in the process in finding a new church, as during the time I've been MIA from Blogger, I have returned to Washington state which is where my husband is stationed. I've been here about 3 weeks now. We are praying for guidance in finding the right church for us while here, as we have many needs in a church right now at this vital point of learning and experiencing Christ around us daily.

In an attempt to help better our marriage, and our family, my husband and I have deleted our Facebook's. For a couple young 20's away from most of their friends, this becomes an interesting task at times. It's strange how addicting the internet is. It pulls away from relationships and families. Instead of reading a book we become engulfed in other peoples non-sense business. Ideally my next task would be to say bye-bye to internet as a whole, but it really is a valuable resource as you can find so much information on the inter-web. Also, in this century, there are many things you simply cannot do without the internet. From there, ideally, TV would disappear as well. Right now, deleting Facebook has been shell-shocking in itself. Baby-steps.

 Other Changes

For my move I hired movers to bring our furniture from Texas to Washington... and we have yet to receive our furniture. It was supposed to arrive at the latest a week ago, and they finally e-mailed me two days ago. This was only after I filed a complaint with the BBB and had my husband begin calling to attempt speaking with them. I would not be nearly as upset with them as I am had they answered or returned my calls over the past three weeks. If they would have just informed me of the status of our furniture even just once within the time limit we discussed when they picked up my furniture. I am very livid over this situation and pray God helps me deal with this properly. 

I am in search of work. I had found a very reliable job before my husband returned home, but was unable to accept it because the hours conflicted with me having a family. I think that was a test from upstairs to see if I put my family or myself first. I am simply aching to get out and work again. I miss making friends and helping others, as well as being able to help my family prosper. I've even applied at fast food chains, I really just want to work! This might have something to do with having so little in our home right now since our furniture has not arrived, as well as many of our boxes. All of our crafts and what not are in those boxes, leaving my toddler and I to use a LOT of imagination lately.

Recently I did a cleanse from GNC, and it was awesome. Definitely felt myself go through the detox, but it was a good cleanse. Drink some stuff twice a day for two days, had a very vitamin taste, but I plugged my nose & chugged so I only had to deal with a little after taste. Once a day for 7 days you take 4 different pills. I'd definitely recommend a cleanse for anyone who has begun a New Year's resolution.

Mine was geared toward women, helped with bloating & kidney function. Much like the cleanse below.


Get your hiney's in the gym. Love your spouse. Do something fun with your children. Make this a great year, for you and all!!!

Tata,
Smiling Fool

Half way there!

Deployment's almost over!
We're at our half-way mark folks! I am overly joyed, and going to pray even harder than before. I figured things would be easier than they have been; it isn't so much that life has been more difficult, as much as it is that it's just more stressful. For the majority of a year once this deployment is over I will still be living away from my husband though, and I am somewhat excited about this. I believe it will give lovebug & I a fresh start, a way to let us appreciate each other again.
I'm worried for the pain it could bring our daughter, however we came to the conclusion that it should be better for her to stay where we plan to be long-term vs. moving for a few months then coming back. Routine wise and for family reasons it just seems better for her. It was an easy decision to make when we made it, probably for selfish reasons on my part. Of course, things have changed since then and I feel I'm going to regret having made it, however the decision has been made & it is one we need to stick to. I would love to share pictures & details but this is anonymous for a reason so I suppose I don't want to ruin that aspect.

I plan to be on here more often starting soon, I had my top two wisdom teeth removed last Friday and am just now getting back "up to par". Get ready for some rowdy blogging! ;)

Sincerely,
Dying to hug & kiss him!