Day in and day out, this single parent thing, it feels like I might cave from the pressure every single moment of each day. I don't know if it is that I never pictured my life this way, or legitimately because it is as difficult as it feels. At least once a day I contemplate how on earth any other single parent has ever done this. Alone. And lived! How?!
The absolute only answer I see possible? My babies need me.
This post isn't me complaining, I really just don't know how I will do this for the next 20 ish years. In reality, it probably wouldn't have been too different in my previous situation (called marriage), but the little bit of help I had did lighten my load a tad.
I took the girls to the park today, and now that little one is walking a bit, it was the hardest thing since us girls have been doing our own thing. I had to stay with my little to help her walk and you know, make sure she didn't eat stuff off the playground floor, or get snatched up by the lurking park creep we all know is around every single corner. But my big baby wanted me to play, to spin her, to chase her. My heart was so torn. "How do I do this? It's not fair he's not here to help. How can I do this more efficiently? Will I ever be able to go out in public and feel sane again?"
Both of these babies need me, in the same way and each in their own ways as well, and I need myself on top of it!
Every day I spend working towards my dreams, goals, passions... working full-time and in school full-time flying jet speed toward everything that makes me happy to be doing and showing my girls how they don't have to settle, and at the same time raise those two sweet girls in such pivotal points of their lives and do it well? How? How have other people done this, and survived, or thrived? How do I do this and not be bitter towards him?
I've gotten better, but I still find myself upset that I'm here, only to be happy about it moments later. I get the compliments plenty. People who hear my story "wow, you're doing all that? you're amazing!" Yeah, I'm doing it, but I always worry my girls won't understand as they look back, why I was always busy, or why I couldn't stay home and cuddle them. Why I couldn't run the playground rampant with my big girl, or why there are so many pictures and videos of my big girl as a baby, but my little one has a photo shoot once in a blue moon. I hope they understand my hands are full when they look back, because I know they both hate me for it majority of the time now. I hope they understand their circumstances as infants are so different.
I know that I made the right choice following this career path, because I would have been putting the same amount of time, and probably more stress, into the office job I had at first, but I hope they know that I didn't do that for me, I did it so they will know they should have faith in themselves and follow their life dreams, and goals instead of settling, in any way. I hope they see the difference, grasp the meaning.
