How do people do this?

Day in and day out, this single parent thing, it feels like I might cave from the pressure every single moment of each day. I don't know if it is that I never pictured my life this way, or legitimately because it is as difficult as it feels. At least once a day I contemplate how on earth any other single parent has ever done this. Alone. And lived! How?!
The absolute only answer I see possible? My babies need me.
This post isn't me complaining, I really just don't know how I will do this for the next 20 ish years. In reality, it probably wouldn't have been too different in my previous situation (called marriage), but the little bit of help I had did lighten my load a tad.
I took the girls to the park today, and now that little one is walking a bit, it was the hardest thing since us girls have been doing our own thing. I had to stay with my little to help her walk and you know, make sure she didn't eat stuff off the playground floor, or get snatched up by the lurking park creep we all know is around every single corner. But my big baby wanted me to play, to spin her, to chase her. My heart was so torn. "How do I do this? It's not fair he's not here to help. How can I do this more efficiently? Will I ever be able to go out in public and feel sane again?"
Both of these babies need me, in the same way and each in their own ways as well, and I need myself on top of it!
Every day I spend working towards my dreams, goals, passions... working full-time and in school full-time flying jet speed toward everything that makes me happy to be doing and showing my girls how they don't have to settle, and at the same time raise those two sweet girls in such pivotal points of their lives and do it well? How? How have other people done this, and survived, or thrived? How do I do this and not be bitter towards him?
I've gotten better, but I still find myself upset that I'm here, only to be happy about it moments later. I get the compliments plenty. People who hear my story "wow, you're doing all that? you're amazing!" Yeah, I'm doing it, but I always worry my girls won't understand as they look back, why I was always busy, or why I couldn't stay home and cuddle them. Why I couldn't run the playground rampant with my big girl, or why there are so many pictures and videos of my big girl as a baby, but my little one has a photo shoot once in a blue moon. I hope they understand my hands are full when they look back, because I know they both hate me for it majority of the time now. I hope they understand their circumstances as infants are so different.
I know that I made the right choice following this career path, because I would have been putting the same amount of time, and probably more stress, into the office job I had at first, but I hope they know that I didn't do that for me, I did it so they will know they should have faith in themselves and follow their life dreams, and goals instead of settling, in any way. I hope they see the difference, grasp the meaning.

To H2O Birth or Not

March 6, 2014 = estimated D-DAY!
and the question I keep asking myself is if I can really do this natural birth thing!

With baby #1 it went something like this:
Water started leaking while I was out shopping, just a little bit, so we went home and grabbed my hospital bag and I cleaned up the mess in my undies from the leakage. (FTM mistake!) First time mommas, don't clean yourself up, matter of fact the last few weeks wear a pad! This way if you have a leak that is minimal it can be detected!
We drove 30 minutes to the hospital on post only to be told I had no fluid in my hoo-ha, and not to clean-up next time I think my water breaks.
At this point, after waiting around in L&D for about 2 hours we head back home. It had started snowing. So it takes us about an hour to get home safely as the roads were starting to ice over. We lived at the top of a gigantic valley hill in Puyallup, Wa.We couldn't even get into our parking spot out our apartment complex due to the degree of the hill. So I waddle my way down an ice covered hill and up ice covered stairs with my nervous husband inches behind me.
We crawl into bed, get busy, pass out quickly.
7:05 am I wake up thinking I have to pee, I stand up and take two steps and notice pee is slowly dripping down my leg. I waddle into the bathroom, not wanting to have another unnescesary trip to the post hospital in this weather, and not wanting to wake my husband to worry him if it is nothing, I sit on the potty for a minute and here a constant drip long after I go pee. I put on a pad and pull my panties up and go to lay in bed and wait to see if my pad fills up, but as I am on my waddly way back to bed I notice a fresh blood spot on the carpet from my dripping. So I wake my husband up and we slowly and calmly pack up and head out thinking we will just be sent back for a false alarm again.
So we slip and slide up the now frozen over night hill and climb into the car to take an hour and a half slow venture to the post hospital.
They confirmed I was in labor (I wasn't feeling contractions, or at least not noticing what was happening as at this point I was a FTM.
My birthplan the whole pregnancy was for an epidural, and STAT! After all, who am I to think I could live through childbirth! Impossible!
So as soon as they offered I said yes, and I felt not a single thing but numb from that point on. I couldn't tell if or when I was pushing, they even told me to grunt and I made the most fake grunting noise possible. 9 hours at the hospital (with the help of pitocin to speed up labor) and my daughter entered the world, all the while God was throwing confetti (snow) all over the place to celebrate her birth, and I gradually started gaining feeling back in my bottom half.

THIS TIME!
I have decided I am strong, other women have done this, I do not want to feel so out of it for such a significant part of life. I want to be a part of my delivery this time, and know that I am pushing!
The plan is to be completely unmedicated, no pitocin, and to let labor progress at home as long as possible. The post we are at now has tubs for water labor and water birth, and I can't help but want to try it. The chances of tearing are lower, stress to the baby is typically a lot lower, and there is something that just seems easier about it. Not to mention you can't see my hoo haa bright as day if it is under water (at least I feel like it is a little bit more camoflauged).
I think I have a lot more confidence, mostly due to realizing I have a God who loves me. My marriage isn't brand new anymore. Being a mommy isn't brand new anymore. I feel like I am a little more prepared, but as soon as I start feeling that way it scares the heck out of me!
Have you ever watched a waterbirth video? YouTube it! All these women seem so calm, so serene but so in the moment and aware. I wonder if I can really do that, during such a big moment, can I really keep calm and trust in God to help me through?
I fear feeling like a failure because I chicken out and want an epidural. I fear I lose faith in myself and my God. This almost makes me want to go straight for an epidural like last time, but I know facing that needle in my back instead of facing my fears of self will only make me feel weak anyways.

So, prayerfully a waterbirth is in my future, and I can make it to the end without giving in.
Anyone who has delivered this way, or been a part of this type of delivery, please send words of wisdom and encouragement my way. I sure could use some the next month or so!