A Great Debate

The moment when you finally catch a true lazy moment in the day and for once spend it watching reality TV. You watch an episode of Teen Mom and you oddly find yourself relating to a majority of the issues the young moms are going through. Sure, you got married and sure, you were a couple years older than then when you started. Another thing you have in common, you were not ready.
Is anybody ever truly ready? And, if they are, do they know they are ready? How do they know? Does that really raise any better of a child, or does it just make it less stressful on the parents?

I want to argue that in my mind, it comes down to the determination of the parent, definitely not the financial status or age of the parent. Was the baby planned? What were the intentions of creating another human being?

There were a few times while I was married where my former spouse would watch a show of my choosing instead of his. I recall once when I picked Teen Mom (I know I know!) and he actually watched with me. Legitimately watched and felt and empathized with the moms, he crap talked most of the guys actions and called them names left and right. At the end of the episode, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "If I ever acted that way while you were pregnant, if I acted half that bad, I apologize. You don't deserve that" and a few other choice comments about the parents.

At the time, I am pretty sure I just gave him a glazed over look because I did not want to answer. It wouldn't surprise me if I even lied to him and said "no baby you were much better" or "you weren't nearly that bad"! The truth is... I wanted to say and to this day it has been confirmed that I want to shout from the rooftops that he sucks as a parent. I want to smack him over the head for so many of the same things the moms in Teen Mom discuss on the show. I don't want to write this to complain about him... well I do but I hold myself to a higher standard... so what I am getting at is this.

I got married and had a baby at 20, out of my teenage years, my husband was 21. I know my mothering could have been better, but... can't everyone's? If we are waiting until we are happy with ourselves... most people would never have children. If we waited until society was happy with us... we would definitely never have children! Don't great, phenomenal people come from some of the worst places and upbringings? I just wanted to point out something here that I am sure many have said before me... it really does only mostly take love to raise a child and do it in a "right" way. I know we can argue money and other issues all day long... but the way I see it a homeless mom COULD be a way better mom than SOME millionaire couples. It all comes down to intentions.

How do people do this?

Day in and day out, this single parent thing, it feels like I might cave from the pressure every single moment of each day. I don't know if it is that I never pictured my life this way, or legitimately because it is as difficult as it feels. At least once a day I contemplate how on earth any other single parent has ever done this. Alone. And lived! How?!
The absolute only answer I see possible? My babies need me.
This post isn't me complaining, I really just don't know how I will do this for the next 20 ish years. In reality, it probably wouldn't have been too different in my previous situation (called marriage), but the little bit of help I had did lighten my load a tad.
I took the girls to the park today, and now that little one is walking a bit, it was the hardest thing since us girls have been doing our own thing. I had to stay with my little to help her walk and you know, make sure she didn't eat stuff off the playground floor, or get snatched up by the lurking park creep we all know is around every single corner. But my big baby wanted me to play, to spin her, to chase her. My heart was so torn. "How do I do this? It's not fair he's not here to help. How can I do this more efficiently? Will I ever be able to go out in public and feel sane again?"
Both of these babies need me, in the same way and each in their own ways as well, and I need myself on top of it!
Every day I spend working towards my dreams, goals, passions... working full-time and in school full-time flying jet speed toward everything that makes me happy to be doing and showing my girls how they don't have to settle, and at the same time raise those two sweet girls in such pivotal points of their lives and do it well? How? How have other people done this, and survived, or thrived? How do I do this and not be bitter towards him?
I've gotten better, but I still find myself upset that I'm here, only to be happy about it moments later. I get the compliments plenty. People who hear my story "wow, you're doing all that? you're amazing!" Yeah, I'm doing it, but I always worry my girls won't understand as they look back, why I was always busy, or why I couldn't stay home and cuddle them. Why I couldn't run the playground rampant with my big girl, or why there are so many pictures and videos of my big girl as a baby, but my little one has a photo shoot once in a blue moon. I hope they understand my hands are full when they look back, because I know they both hate me for it majority of the time now. I hope they understand their circumstances as infants are so different.
I know that I made the right choice following this career path, because I would have been putting the same amount of time, and probably more stress, into the office job I had at first, but I hope they know that I didn't do that for me, I did it so they will know they should have faith in themselves and follow their life dreams, and goals instead of settling, in any way. I hope they see the difference, grasp the meaning.

Toddling with a Toddler

I just wanted to share some photos from mini-me and I on our walk yesterday. We took advantage of the briefly nice weather and these awesome things my sweet girl found.

Pine-cones "cone-cones".

Flowers "Fwowers".

A fire hydrant.

And she decided to give me her first self-allowed "cheese" so that I got a good picture.

I just love her. She is growing too fast.

A Long Time Gone...

Ello Love!

I've been gone for a while, with reasonable cause. However, since I don't have to explain myself to this cyber world, I'll give you just the important points.

My husband has returned home from deployment!

What a glorious feeling. I have him home and in my arms. There are not many feelings that top this past few days that he has been home. Our relationship has developed over his deployment and we are off to an amazing start. Our daughter is so joyous at having her "My Daddy" home to love on. The first day she had him home she didn't want a thing to do with Mama, and wanted to hold Daddy's hand 99% of the time. She also said "I lah you dada" after everything she said. Oh, I'm in pure bliss having him back in good ole' 'Merica with us.

Our relationship was rather rocky when he left, and thanks to us both finding God over the time we were apart, our world is completely different now, and in what a great way! We have shared more, laughed harder, smiled bigger, loved stronger and tried harder this past week than I think we ever have. The Lord is so wonderful; I just LOVE MY GOD!

We are still in the process in finding a new church, as during the time I've been MIA from Blogger, I have returned to Washington state which is where my husband is stationed. I've been here about 3 weeks now. We are praying for guidance in finding the right church for us while here, as we have many needs in a church right now at this vital point of learning and experiencing Christ around us daily.

In an attempt to help better our marriage, and our family, my husband and I have deleted our Facebook's. For a couple young 20's away from most of their friends, this becomes an interesting task at times. It's strange how addicting the internet is. It pulls away from relationships and families. Instead of reading a book we become engulfed in other peoples non-sense business. Ideally my next task would be to say bye-bye to internet as a whole, but it really is a valuable resource as you can find so much information on the inter-web. Also, in this century, there are many things you simply cannot do without the internet. From there, ideally, TV would disappear as well. Right now, deleting Facebook has been shell-shocking in itself. Baby-steps.

 Other Changes

For my move I hired movers to bring our furniture from Texas to Washington... and we have yet to receive our furniture. It was supposed to arrive at the latest a week ago, and they finally e-mailed me two days ago. This was only after I filed a complaint with the BBB and had my husband begin calling to attempt speaking with them. I would not be nearly as upset with them as I am had they answered or returned my calls over the past three weeks. If they would have just informed me of the status of our furniture even just once within the time limit we discussed when they picked up my furniture. I am very livid over this situation and pray God helps me deal with this properly. 

I am in search of work. I had found a very reliable job before my husband returned home, but was unable to accept it because the hours conflicted with me having a family. I think that was a test from upstairs to see if I put my family or myself first. I am simply aching to get out and work again. I miss making friends and helping others, as well as being able to help my family prosper. I've even applied at fast food chains, I really just want to work! This might have something to do with having so little in our home right now since our furniture has not arrived, as well as many of our boxes. All of our crafts and what not are in those boxes, leaving my toddler and I to use a LOT of imagination lately.

Recently I did a cleanse from GNC, and it was awesome. Definitely felt myself go through the detox, but it was a good cleanse. Drink some stuff twice a day for two days, had a very vitamin taste, but I plugged my nose & chugged so I only had to deal with a little after taste. Once a day for 7 days you take 4 different pills. I'd definitely recommend a cleanse for anyone who has begun a New Year's resolution.

Mine was geared toward women, helped with bloating & kidney function. Much like the cleanse below.


Get your hiney's in the gym. Love your spouse. Do something fun with your children. Make this a great year, for you and all!!!

Tata,
Smiling Fool

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways...

I AM IN LOVE!


18 months (and 4 days) ago I gave birth to a 7 pound 4 ounce divine baby girl & she has turned my world upside down. Never has "I wuff MOMMY" been something I could have dreamed of being so glorious until I locked eyes with my, at the time, grey eyed wonder. I've been through the getting pooped, peed and mostly spit up on. I've seen her fall and made the trips to the doctor when she has been sick. I've learned the true meaning of being able to multi-task, that's for sure. I've also seen her smiles, heard her giggles and had her chase me around the house saying "tuck a tuck a" (her version of tickle tickle!). I've cleaned all kinds of food off the floor, out of her hair, in between cushions & the good Lord knows there have been Cheerios over every inch of my house at one point or another. Now I am tackling potty training, which surprisingly is going well compared to horror stories I have heard before. Over this past year and a half I have seen so much more to life. Most importantly I have found a new meaning.

Who would have thought that a baby could change the world (I'm laughing here, because look what Jesus did to the world!), but more so this baby changed my world. She gives me so much to live for, and more importantly to smile for. Children are purely amazing.

I already dread the day she moves out on her own, I dread the first time she says she hates me, and I cannot imagine the day I leave this physical earth, and more so my baby girl.

I know other mamas will read this, and maybe I'm touching enough that one will even catch a tear in their eye. However, I hope someone's sweet angel baby reads this and decides they need to just say hi to their mama because it's been too long, or maybe even visits when they haven't in forever. I hope I have the power to touch someone's life in the way that helps them connect with their Mama Bear better, or if not better than more frequently.

Kids, don't forget about your mama's. You mean the world to us, after all... you are the only ones who have heard our heart beat from the inside.

That's all folks,
Mama Bear S.

I've Got the Blues

This ain't your Mac n' Cheese Blues
 It's the my husband & baby-daddy's deployed and I'm left to fend for myself blues.
Watching my baby girl miss her daddy hurts my heart. Watching my mother-in-law attempt strength talking about her baby boy being gone hurts my heart. Seeing him on the other side of the world via skype hurts my heart.
To give you a little preface about my marriage, we've been married about a year and a half, been together 3 years next month. Out relationship began a month before his basic training, although we knew each other 4 years before we became "us". A while into it we tried for a baby for a few months and right as we decided to stop trying, we found out we were pregnant. Now we have a 17 mo. old and all the stress of the beginning of marriage along with military stresses. Needless to say, life has been crazy for us.
Last month, we both came to individual decisions about our religious beliefs. Oddly enough, both practically at the same time and for the same reasons for the most part. Since then our relationship has done a 180 and we both feel that things are turning around. God is helping us. I'm not going to doubt God, but if you do then I encourage you to watch my relationship blossom, because I can promise you that is God's work at its finest.
I'm so anxious to have my husband home. I miss all the obvious things, the physical aspects, but so much more than the physical is the mental. The connection we had when we got together, it's blossoming again and my heart is overwhelmed with comfort when I think about the beginning of next year when he is back in the states.
I miss the freckles on his ear & the way he used to hold my hand in the car.
I miss silly pictures with him & taking naps on the couch in his arms.
I miss my daughter getting excited about daddy coming home & I miss his morning kisses.
Deployment, please end pronto.
Sincerely,
Lovebug's Lovebug