Sometimes I write songs but can't put a tune to them and call them poems

I can imagine me and you laying in the bed

We're being silly & crazy & you amaze me.

Next thing I know I'm fed, up

with all the lies and how we try to disguise

the pain that we both feel.

My God, I can't believe it's real.

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be.

Why don't you smile when you come home,

I try so hard and just don't know

How can I be better for you

Don't say that D word, it can't be true

Don't leave me

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

It takes two to talk

and it takes just one to walk

away from everything we built up to

and now we both hold the guilt of

taking turns talking and walking

Why won't you just let me in

Instead

These country songs have me all tied up

Without God by now I'd probably lite up

Something stronger than the pain for a moment

But I know that I can't let

These visions in my head lead me

To the place where we used to be

A Great Debate

The moment when you finally catch a true lazy moment in the day and for once spend it watching reality TV. You watch an episode of Teen Mom and you oddly find yourself relating to a majority of the issues the young moms are going through. Sure, you got married and sure, you were a couple years older than then when you started. Another thing you have in common, you were not ready.
Is anybody ever truly ready? And, if they are, do they know they are ready? How do they know? Does that really raise any better of a child, or does it just make it less stressful on the parents?

I want to argue that in my mind, it comes down to the determination of the parent, definitely not the financial status or age of the parent. Was the baby planned? What were the intentions of creating another human being?

There were a few times while I was married where my former spouse would watch a show of my choosing instead of his. I recall once when I picked Teen Mom (I know I know!) and he actually watched with me. Legitimately watched and felt and empathized with the moms, he crap talked most of the guys actions and called them names left and right. At the end of the episode, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "If I ever acted that way while you were pregnant, if I acted half that bad, I apologize. You don't deserve that" and a few other choice comments about the parents.

At the time, I am pretty sure I just gave him a glazed over look because I did not want to answer. It wouldn't surprise me if I even lied to him and said "no baby you were much better" or "you weren't nearly that bad"! The truth is... I wanted to say and to this day it has been confirmed that I want to shout from the rooftops that he sucks as a parent. I want to smack him over the head for so many of the same things the moms in Teen Mom discuss on the show. I don't want to write this to complain about him... well I do but I hold myself to a higher standard... so what I am getting at is this.

I got married and had a baby at 20, out of my teenage years, my husband was 21. I know my mothering could have been better, but... can't everyone's? If we are waiting until we are happy with ourselves... most people would never have children. If we waited until society was happy with us... we would definitely never have children! Don't great, phenomenal people come from some of the worst places and upbringings? I just wanted to point out something here that I am sure many have said before me... it really does only mostly take love to raise a child and do it in a "right" way. I know we can argue money and other issues all day long... but the way I see it a homeless mom COULD be a way better mom than SOME millionaire couples. It all comes down to intentions.

How do people do this?

Day in and day out, this single parent thing, it feels like I might cave from the pressure every single moment of each day. I don't know if it is that I never pictured my life this way, or legitimately because it is as difficult as it feels. At least once a day I contemplate how on earth any other single parent has ever done this. Alone. And lived! How?!
The absolute only answer I see possible? My babies need me.
This post isn't me complaining, I really just don't know how I will do this for the next 20 ish years. In reality, it probably wouldn't have been too different in my previous situation (called marriage), but the little bit of help I had did lighten my load a tad.
I took the girls to the park today, and now that little one is walking a bit, it was the hardest thing since us girls have been doing our own thing. I had to stay with my little to help her walk and you know, make sure she didn't eat stuff off the playground floor, or get snatched up by the lurking park creep we all know is around every single corner. But my big baby wanted me to play, to spin her, to chase her. My heart was so torn. "How do I do this? It's not fair he's not here to help. How can I do this more efficiently? Will I ever be able to go out in public and feel sane again?"
Both of these babies need me, in the same way and each in their own ways as well, and I need myself on top of it!
Every day I spend working towards my dreams, goals, passions... working full-time and in school full-time flying jet speed toward everything that makes me happy to be doing and showing my girls how they don't have to settle, and at the same time raise those two sweet girls in such pivotal points of their lives and do it well? How? How have other people done this, and survived, or thrived? How do I do this and not be bitter towards him?
I've gotten better, but I still find myself upset that I'm here, only to be happy about it moments later. I get the compliments plenty. People who hear my story "wow, you're doing all that? you're amazing!" Yeah, I'm doing it, but I always worry my girls won't understand as they look back, why I was always busy, or why I couldn't stay home and cuddle them. Why I couldn't run the playground rampant with my big girl, or why there are so many pictures and videos of my big girl as a baby, but my little one has a photo shoot once in a blue moon. I hope they understand my hands are full when they look back, because I know they both hate me for it majority of the time now. I hope they understand their circumstances as infants are so different.
I know that I made the right choice following this career path, because I would have been putting the same amount of time, and probably more stress, into the office job I had at first, but I hope they know that I didn't do that for me, I did it so they will know they should have faith in themselves and follow their life dreams, and goals instead of settling, in any way. I hope they see the difference, grasp the meaning.