To H2O Birth or Not

March 6, 2014 = estimated D-DAY!
and the question I keep asking myself is if I can really do this natural birth thing!

With baby #1 it went something like this:
Water started leaking while I was out shopping, just a little bit, so we went home and grabbed my hospital bag and I cleaned up the mess in my undies from the leakage. (FTM mistake!) First time mommas, don't clean yourself up, matter of fact the last few weeks wear a pad! This way if you have a leak that is minimal it can be detected!
We drove 30 minutes to the hospital on post only to be told I had no fluid in my hoo-ha, and not to clean-up next time I think my water breaks.
At this point, after waiting around in L&D for about 2 hours we head back home. It had started snowing. So it takes us about an hour to get home safely as the roads were starting to ice over. We lived at the top of a gigantic valley hill in Puyallup, Wa.We couldn't even get into our parking spot out our apartment complex due to the degree of the hill. So I waddle my way down an ice covered hill and up ice covered stairs with my nervous husband inches behind me.
We crawl into bed, get busy, pass out quickly.
7:05 am I wake up thinking I have to pee, I stand up and take two steps and notice pee is slowly dripping down my leg. I waddle into the bathroom, not wanting to have another unnescesary trip to the post hospital in this weather, and not wanting to wake my husband to worry him if it is nothing, I sit on the potty for a minute and here a constant drip long after I go pee. I put on a pad and pull my panties up and go to lay in bed and wait to see if my pad fills up, but as I am on my waddly way back to bed I notice a fresh blood spot on the carpet from my dripping. So I wake my husband up and we slowly and calmly pack up and head out thinking we will just be sent back for a false alarm again.
So we slip and slide up the now frozen over night hill and climb into the car to take an hour and a half slow venture to the post hospital.
They confirmed I was in labor (I wasn't feeling contractions, or at least not noticing what was happening as at this point I was a FTM.
My birthplan the whole pregnancy was for an epidural, and STAT! After all, who am I to think I could live through childbirth! Impossible!
So as soon as they offered I said yes, and I felt not a single thing but numb from that point on. I couldn't tell if or when I was pushing, they even told me to grunt and I made the most fake grunting noise possible. 9 hours at the hospital (with the help of pitocin to speed up labor) and my daughter entered the world, all the while God was throwing confetti (snow) all over the place to celebrate her birth, and I gradually started gaining feeling back in my bottom half.

THIS TIME!
I have decided I am strong, other women have done this, I do not want to feel so out of it for such a significant part of life. I want to be a part of my delivery this time, and know that I am pushing!
The plan is to be completely unmedicated, no pitocin, and to let labor progress at home as long as possible. The post we are at now has tubs for water labor and water birth, and I can't help but want to try it. The chances of tearing are lower, stress to the baby is typically a lot lower, and there is something that just seems easier about it. Not to mention you can't see my hoo haa bright as day if it is under water (at least I feel like it is a little bit more camoflauged).
I think I have a lot more confidence, mostly due to realizing I have a God who loves me. My marriage isn't brand new anymore. Being a mommy isn't brand new anymore. I feel like I am a little more prepared, but as soon as I start feeling that way it scares the heck out of me!
Have you ever watched a waterbirth video? YouTube it! All these women seem so calm, so serene but so in the moment and aware. I wonder if I can really do that, during such a big moment, can I really keep calm and trust in God to help me through?
I fear feeling like a failure because I chicken out and want an epidural. I fear I lose faith in myself and my God. This almost makes me want to go straight for an epidural like last time, but I know facing that needle in my back instead of facing my fears of self will only make me feel weak anyways.

So, prayerfully a waterbirth is in my future, and I can make it to the end without giving in.
Anyone who has delivered this way, or been a part of this type of delivery, please send words of wisdom and encouragement my way. I sure could use some the next month or so!