The D Word

Hi all my fellow inter-web dweebs.
I have been one hell of a busy bee, and personally under a TON of personal construction.
I got the shocking news one morning after my husbands CQ shift basically a month after Baby #2 was born, the news that he wanted the dreaded and over used D word. A Divorce. I am smack dab in the middle of one of those. It's been almost 5 months now since I heard him say it and it still strikes a nerve in my heart, and in my head.
Just out of respect I'll keep the personal details there at a minimum for now since it is still such a hard topic for me, and any random day I feel stronger than the next. However, this D word sure dues bring about a lot of change. I have found the D word really is what you make it. Positive learning experience or a negative drama filled heated soul sucker, most days I choose positive.
I have both my baby girls full time, have moved back to the DFW area, did have a full-time job however decided I want to go back to school full-time and become a personal trainer/elementary school PE teacher (because who didn't love dodge ball and field day back then!); I am changing. I am realizing so many things about marriage, mine specifically as well as the term. Not just marriage, but myself. Who am I? I ask myself this more now than I ever have. Mostly because I now have two sweet angel babies watching my every move, and I mean EVERY! I know the woman I want to be, but as I ask myself "Who am I?" I need to make sure I know "Why am I"?
I asked my almost Ex-Husband last night "When did I change into this hateful person?". After settling his confusion in my random question he answered and it told me all I needed to know. Yes, his actions somewhere about a year into our relationship had begun this monster I have become, but am I going to blame him and get no where, or take responsibility for my actions? Every day I hope to choose the latter, but the truth is that probably won't happen.
I'm hoping to stretch my mind and grow from this. Praying not to loose my faith. And begging God to help me heal. I miss being a happy person, I miss loving people, I miss being open but not brutal.
Who are you in your relationship? Has that always been you? Do you want that to always be? Change it now, or it will not change.

Ta-ta cyberland

Big Sister

Emery Fate Speigel
My sweet, curly-haired, almost 3 year old only child.
I have not taken the time to think of the things that are about to change for my sweet angel. I have thought about it broadly, how she will have a friend to do things with, to share with. I hadn't thought about the small things, not in depth at least. I read a blog tonight that turned my world upside down. It is a blog about a second child, the day she was born, and the mom being... oh I don't know what word describes it best... scared, surprised, caught off guard once the sweet second child was laid on her chest. This mother mentioned how she spent the last few hours with her oldest daughter, and pointed out how she would not be an only child much longer. At this point, my heart ached for my sweet Emery, and I went and held her as she was sleeping and I wept. The things she is going to experience, the changes this means for her; I knew, but never really thought about how different it will be for her.
After holding my big girl for 15 minutes or so I came back to finish reading the blog. The second child/baby in the blog had down syndrome and it was not known until her birthday by anyone. The mom describes all the different emotions and how the next few days went for her and how she grew and found her bond with the baby that was not what she had expected. This made me think of a friend who had a baby at full-term born still-born. What will I do if these things happen to me? How will I handle them? Most mom's just expect a nice healthy 100% normal baby, but in reality not every baby is.
I know God cherishes children, and I know down syndrome is not the end of the world by any means. I know if I have a baby born sleeping I will learn from it. What I want to know is, what would my natural instinct be? Or maybe I don't want to know... My heart aches the way any mother's would.
My world has been shaken tonight. 1. My first sweet girl is about to have her world turned upside down and affected in who knows what ways. 2. You never know what could happen during or after delivery. It is in God's hands and I know he only gives these special babies to those who are very deserving of them, but I pray if I were to have such circumstances happen upon me that I would have the strength to be the mommy I need to be.
Thank you God for bringing this blog onto my path.

A Long Time Gone...

Ello Love!

I've been gone for a while, with reasonable cause. However, since I don't have to explain myself to this cyber world, I'll give you just the important points.

My husband has returned home from deployment!

What a glorious feeling. I have him home and in my arms. There are not many feelings that top this past few days that he has been home. Our relationship has developed over his deployment and we are off to an amazing start. Our daughter is so joyous at having her "My Daddy" home to love on. The first day she had him home she didn't want a thing to do with Mama, and wanted to hold Daddy's hand 99% of the time. She also said "I lah you dada" after everything she said. Oh, I'm in pure bliss having him back in good ole' 'Merica with us.

Our relationship was rather rocky when he left, and thanks to us both finding God over the time we were apart, our world is completely different now, and in what a great way! We have shared more, laughed harder, smiled bigger, loved stronger and tried harder this past week than I think we ever have. The Lord is so wonderful; I just LOVE MY GOD!

We are still in the process in finding a new church, as during the time I've been MIA from Blogger, I have returned to Washington state which is where my husband is stationed. I've been here about 3 weeks now. We are praying for guidance in finding the right church for us while here, as we have many needs in a church right now at this vital point of learning and experiencing Christ around us daily.

In an attempt to help better our marriage, and our family, my husband and I have deleted our Facebook's. For a couple young 20's away from most of their friends, this becomes an interesting task at times. It's strange how addicting the internet is. It pulls away from relationships and families. Instead of reading a book we become engulfed in other peoples non-sense business. Ideally my next task would be to say bye-bye to internet as a whole, but it really is a valuable resource as you can find so much information on the inter-web. Also, in this century, there are many things you simply cannot do without the internet. From there, ideally, TV would disappear as well. Right now, deleting Facebook has been shell-shocking in itself. Baby-steps.

 Other Changes

For my move I hired movers to bring our furniture from Texas to Washington... and we have yet to receive our furniture. It was supposed to arrive at the latest a week ago, and they finally e-mailed me two days ago. This was only after I filed a complaint with the BBB and had my husband begin calling to attempt speaking with them. I would not be nearly as upset with them as I am had they answered or returned my calls over the past three weeks. If they would have just informed me of the status of our furniture even just once within the time limit we discussed when they picked up my furniture. I am very livid over this situation and pray God helps me deal with this properly. 

I am in search of work. I had found a very reliable job before my husband returned home, but was unable to accept it because the hours conflicted with me having a family. I think that was a test from upstairs to see if I put my family or myself first. I am simply aching to get out and work again. I miss making friends and helping others, as well as being able to help my family prosper. I've even applied at fast food chains, I really just want to work! This might have something to do with having so little in our home right now since our furniture has not arrived, as well as many of our boxes. All of our crafts and what not are in those boxes, leaving my toddler and I to use a LOT of imagination lately.

Recently I did a cleanse from GNC, and it was awesome. Definitely felt myself go through the detox, but it was a good cleanse. Drink some stuff twice a day for two days, had a very vitamin taste, but I plugged my nose & chugged so I only had to deal with a little after taste. Once a day for 7 days you take 4 different pills. I'd definitely recommend a cleanse for anyone who has begun a New Year's resolution.

Mine was geared toward women, helped with bloating & kidney function. Much like the cleanse below.


Get your hiney's in the gym. Love your spouse. Do something fun with your children. Make this a great year, for you and all!!!

Tata,
Smiling Fool