Thanksgiving 2014. I'm still a bit numb, and glad, otherwise yesterday would have been impossible to live through. I feel so many emotions on a daily basis now. BUT, I always tune them out and just meet myself right in the middle everytime. Numb, or maybe the complete opposite, I feel so much that I cannot pinpoint any single emotion.
Elated, my biggest little helped decorate the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. It was just she and I, all 3 1/2 years of her and she did so great on our tree. That sweet baby, she was so happy to help as usual. When we got done decorating it and she looked down at the floor sadly and said she missed Daddy, that was raw, it was devistating. I still don't know how to explain this, and I don't think I ever will know. I was over the moon to spend that time with her, and it was such a good bonding experience, I won't even attempt to ruin it by putting it in words, but what I surprised myself when she said she missed him, and I said me too and found myself tearing up as well. I was hoping to get through these first set of holidays numb, not hateful and not hurting, but that's apparently not happening.
I went to bed the other night just fine, only to wake up bawling my eyes out because I was dreaming he was giving me a good morning forehead kiss. To think of so many of these little things that I won't experience with him again strikes a nerve, and it seems impossible that I won't ever feel his hand in mine again, his lips on mine, I won't ever be who I have been, he and I will never be us again. It still just seems like a big mirage.
I was reading a book the other day that says it takes 2 or 3 years on average to heal from a divorce properly. I immediately lost it and flew into a fit of tears. I do not want to feel this way another 2 years! Are you kidding me? I can lie to myself all day and say that I am okay, but look where that has gotten me so far.
Can this all just fade away? I want to wake up now.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
When all else fails...
blog.
What a lonely world we live in, right? With all the advances of technology, it's easier to get online and vent when you are having an issue than it is to go to someone and ask them to go out of their comfort zone, put whichever device they are addicted to down for a minute and just let you cry, yell, vent, be held etc.
So, here I have found myself, all night long, processing the information that my ex husband has moved on, and not only this but to say the very least this has been a long time coming, like the whole last year of our marriage (not counting since I have known of him wanting the divorce). AND not only that either, she and her infant son are living with him. All of that is just icing on the damn cake to be quite honest. I won't divulge the other 12 things on my mind out of respect for him. Can you believe that, I'm still worried about having respect for him. Hmm, that is kind of hard for me to process at the moment honestly.
I have never just lost my temper with him, I have always tried to understand his way of thinking first and I can usually see from most points of view, however the past month I have found myself on 3 different occasions just wanting to lose my voice in a fit of rage screaming at him. Of course this won't happen because it is me we are talking about.
So while they are over there playing happy family (I presume of course) here I sit. Raising these two sweet girls, going back to school full-time, living now with my ex-husbands mother (who is literally the best woman on the planet, no sarcasm on that either) so that my babies have someone around who truely loves them as often as humanely possible in my situation. Not only for that reason, but also so he would know I'm not out acting crazy and partying and hanging out with random men etc. Again, respecting him, what the hell am I thinking, right?
I had so many signs to leave. I really did. Knowing that, I still don't think I would have because I really wanted to show him he should love himself by how much I loved him. Some people just won't understand that way I guess. Maybe God will bless him another way and he will realize. Who knows.
Until then, when all else fails I will probably blog.
What a lonely world we live in, right? With all the advances of technology, it's easier to get online and vent when you are having an issue than it is to go to someone and ask them to go out of their comfort zone, put whichever device they are addicted to down for a minute and just let you cry, yell, vent, be held etc.
So, here I have found myself, all night long, processing the information that my ex husband has moved on, and not only this but to say the very least this has been a long time coming, like the whole last year of our marriage (not counting since I have known of him wanting the divorce). AND not only that either, she and her infant son are living with him. All of that is just icing on the damn cake to be quite honest. I won't divulge the other 12 things on my mind out of respect for him. Can you believe that, I'm still worried about having respect for him. Hmm, that is kind of hard for me to process at the moment honestly.
I have never just lost my temper with him, I have always tried to understand his way of thinking first and I can usually see from most points of view, however the past month I have found myself on 3 different occasions just wanting to lose my voice in a fit of rage screaming at him. Of course this won't happen because it is me we are talking about.
So while they are over there playing happy family (I presume of course) here I sit. Raising these two sweet girls, going back to school full-time, living now with my ex-husbands mother (who is literally the best woman on the planet, no sarcasm on that either) so that my babies have someone around who truely loves them as often as humanely possible in my situation. Not only for that reason, but also so he would know I'm not out acting crazy and partying and hanging out with random men etc. Again, respecting him, what the hell am I thinking, right?
I had so many signs to leave. I really did. Knowing that, I still don't think I would have because I really wanted to show him he should love himself by how much I loved him. Some people just won't understand that way I guess. Maybe God will bless him another way and he will realize. Who knows.
Until then, when all else fails I will probably blog.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
The D Word
Hi all my fellow inter-web dweebs.
I have been one hell of a busy bee, and personally under a TON of personal construction.
I got the shocking news one morning after my husbands CQ shift basically a month after Baby #2 was born, the news that he wanted the dreaded and over used D word. A Divorce. I am smack dab in the middle of one of those. It's been almost 5 months now since I heard him say it and it still strikes a nerve in my heart, and in my head.
Just out of respect I'll keep the personal details there at a minimum for now since it is still such a hard topic for me, and any random day I feel stronger than the next. However, this D word sure dues bring about a lot of change. I have found the D word really is what you make it. Positive learning experience or a negative drama filled heated soul sucker, most days I choose positive.
I have both my baby girls full time, have moved back to the DFW area, did have a full-time job however decided I want to go back to school full-time and become a personal trainer/elementary school PE teacher (because who didn't love dodge ball and field day back then!); I am changing. I am realizing so many things about marriage, mine specifically as well as the term. Not just marriage, but myself. Who am I? I ask myself this more now than I ever have. Mostly because I now have two sweet angel babies watching my every move, and I mean EVERY! I know the woman I want to be, but as I ask myself "Who am I?" I need to make sure I know "Why am I"?
I asked my almost Ex-Husband last night "When did I change into this hateful person?". After settling his confusion in my random question he answered and it told me all I needed to know. Yes, his actions somewhere about a year into our relationship had begun this monster I have become, but am I going to blame him and get no where, or take responsibility for my actions? Every day I hope to choose the latter, but the truth is that probably won't happen.
I'm hoping to stretch my mind and grow from this. Praying not to loose my faith. And begging God to help me heal. I miss being a happy person, I miss loving people, I miss being open but not brutal.
Who are you in your relationship? Has that always been you? Do you want that to always be? Change it now, or it will not change.
Ta-ta cyberland
I have been one hell of a busy bee, and personally under a TON of personal construction.
I got the shocking news one morning after my husbands CQ shift basically a month after Baby #2 was born, the news that he wanted the dreaded and over used D word. A Divorce. I am smack dab in the middle of one of those. It's been almost 5 months now since I heard him say it and it still strikes a nerve in my heart, and in my head.
Just out of respect I'll keep the personal details there at a minimum for now since it is still such a hard topic for me, and any random day I feel stronger than the next. However, this D word sure dues bring about a lot of change. I have found the D word really is what you make it. Positive learning experience or a negative drama filled heated soul sucker, most days I choose positive.
I have both my baby girls full time, have moved back to the DFW area, did have a full-time job however decided I want to go back to school full-time and become a personal trainer/elementary school PE teacher (because who didn't love dodge ball and field day back then!); I am changing. I am realizing so many things about marriage, mine specifically as well as the term. Not just marriage, but myself. Who am I? I ask myself this more now than I ever have. Mostly because I now have two sweet angel babies watching my every move, and I mean EVERY! I know the woman I want to be, but as I ask myself "Who am I?" I need to make sure I know "Why am I"?
I asked my almost Ex-Husband last night "When did I change into this hateful person?". After settling his confusion in my random question he answered and it told me all I needed to know. Yes, his actions somewhere about a year into our relationship had begun this monster I have become, but am I going to blame him and get no where, or take responsibility for my actions? Every day I hope to choose the latter, but the truth is that probably won't happen.
I'm hoping to stretch my mind and grow from this. Praying not to loose my faith. And begging God to help me heal. I miss being a happy person, I miss loving people, I miss being open but not brutal.
Who are you in your relationship? Has that always been you? Do you want that to always be? Change it now, or it will not change.
Ta-ta cyberland
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Medications during Labor and Breastfeeding
Be informed!
Well, I am in a facebook group for mommies from all over the place who are due in March 2014. It is a support group and we are there to make each other laugh and to confide in as well. Today a topic on our wall is about after birth care and I asked something about Breastfeeding that I never realized I needed to look into before. "Does Pitocin and or having an epidural affect breastfeeding?"
Well I got the answer to that, and found out a bit more about Pitocin and Jaundice correlations as well! Check out this article below.
Figuring How Medications during Labor Affect Breastfeeding - For Dummies
I am upset with myself for not researching this prior to my first child, but I had no idea it was something that would affect us for the long term. I'm not telling you as a new mommy or an experienced mommy that anything you choose is wrong, just want you to be informed in case this would make you do anything differently, the way I know it has confirmed my desire for a natural and medication free labor and delivery.
Ta-Ta!
Well, I am in a facebook group for mommies from all over the place who are due in March 2014. It is a support group and we are there to make each other laugh and to confide in as well. Today a topic on our wall is about after birth care and I asked something about Breastfeeding that I never realized I needed to look into before. "Does Pitocin and or having an epidural affect breastfeeding?"
Well I got the answer to that, and found out a bit more about Pitocin and Jaundice correlations as well! Check out this article below.
Figuring How Medications during Labor Affect Breastfeeding - For Dummies
I am upset with myself for not researching this prior to my first child, but I had no idea it was something that would affect us for the long term. I'm not telling you as a new mommy or an experienced mommy that anything you choose is wrong, just want you to be informed in case this would make you do anything differently, the way I know it has confirmed my desire for a natural and medication free labor and delivery.
Ta-Ta!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
To H2O Birth or Not
March 6, 2014 = estimated D-DAY!
and the question I keep asking myself is if I can really do this natural birth thing!
With baby #1 it went something like this:
Water started leaking while I was out shopping, just a little bit, so we went home and grabbed my hospital bag and I cleaned up the mess in my undies from the leakage. (FTM mistake!) First time mommas, don't clean yourself up, matter of fact the last few weeks wear a pad! This way if you have a leak that is minimal it can be detected!
We drove 30 minutes to the hospital on post only to be told I had no fluid in my hoo-ha, and not to clean-up next time I think my water breaks.
At this point, after waiting around in L&D for about 2 hours we head back home. It had started snowing. So it takes us about an hour to get home safely as the roads were starting to ice over. We lived at the top of a gigantic valley hill in Puyallup, Wa.We couldn't even get into our parking spot out our apartment complex due to the degree of the hill. So I waddle my way down an ice covered hill and up ice covered stairs with my nervous husband inches behind me.
We crawl into bed, get busy, pass out quickly.
7:05 am I wake up thinking I have to pee, I stand up and take two steps and notice pee is slowly dripping down my leg. I waddle into the bathroom, not wanting to have another unnescesary trip to the post hospital in this weather, and not wanting to wake my husband to worry him if it is nothing, I sit on the potty for a minute and here a constant drip long after I go pee. I put on a pad and pull my panties up and go to lay in bed and wait to see if my pad fills up, but as I am on my waddly way back to bed I notice a fresh blood spot on the carpet from my dripping. So I wake my husband up and we slowly and calmly pack up and head out thinking we will just be sent back for a false alarm again.
So we slip and slide up the now frozen over night hill and climb into the car to take an hour and a half slow venture to the post hospital.
They confirmed I was in labor (I wasn't feeling contractions, or at least not noticing what was happening as at this point I was a FTM.
My birthplan the whole pregnancy was for an epidural, and STAT! After all, who am I to think I could live through childbirth! Impossible!
So as soon as they offered I said yes, and I felt not a single thing but numb from that point on. I couldn't tell if or when I was pushing, they even told me to grunt and I made the most fake grunting noise possible. 9 hours at the hospital (with the help of pitocin to speed up labor) and my daughter entered the world, all the while God was throwing confetti (snow) all over the place to celebrate her birth, and I gradually started gaining feeling back in my bottom half.
THIS TIME!
I have decided I am strong, other women have done this, I do not want to feel so out of it for such a significant part of life. I want to be a part of my delivery this time, and know that I am pushing!
The plan is to be completely unmedicated, no pitocin, and to let labor progress at home as long as possible. The post we are at now has tubs for water labor and water birth, and I can't help but want to try it. The chances of tearing are lower, stress to the baby is typically a lot lower, and there is something that just seems easier about it. Not to mention you can't see my hoo haa bright as day if it is under water (at least I feel like it is a little bit more camoflauged).
I think I have a lot more confidence, mostly due to realizing I have a God who loves me. My marriage isn't brand new anymore. Being a mommy isn't brand new anymore. I feel like I am a little more prepared, but as soon as I start feeling that way it scares the heck out of me!
Have you ever watched a waterbirth video? YouTube it! All these women seem so calm, so serene but so in the moment and aware. I wonder if I can really do that, during such a big moment, can I really keep calm and trust in God to help me through?
I fear feeling like a failure because I chicken out and want an epidural. I fear I lose faith in myself and my God. This almost makes me want to go straight for an epidural like last time, but I know facing that needle in my back instead of facing my fears of self will only make me feel weak anyways.
So, prayerfully a waterbirth is in my future, and I can make it to the end without giving in.
Anyone who has delivered this way, or been a part of this type of delivery, please send words of wisdom and encouragement my way. I sure could use some the next month or so!
and the question I keep asking myself is if I can really do this natural birth thing!
With baby #1 it went something like this:
Water started leaking while I was out shopping, just a little bit, so we went home and grabbed my hospital bag and I cleaned up the mess in my undies from the leakage. (FTM mistake!) First time mommas, don't clean yourself up, matter of fact the last few weeks wear a pad! This way if you have a leak that is minimal it can be detected!
We drove 30 minutes to the hospital on post only to be told I had no fluid in my hoo-ha, and not to clean-up next time I think my water breaks.
At this point, after waiting around in L&D for about 2 hours we head back home. It had started snowing. So it takes us about an hour to get home safely as the roads were starting to ice over. We lived at the top of a gigantic valley hill in Puyallup, Wa.We couldn't even get into our parking spot out our apartment complex due to the degree of the hill. So I waddle my way down an ice covered hill and up ice covered stairs with my nervous husband inches behind me.
We crawl into bed, get busy, pass out quickly.
7:05 am I wake up thinking I have to pee, I stand up and take two steps and notice pee is slowly dripping down my leg. I waddle into the bathroom, not wanting to have another unnescesary trip to the post hospital in this weather, and not wanting to wake my husband to worry him if it is nothing, I sit on the potty for a minute and here a constant drip long after I go pee. I put on a pad and pull my panties up and go to lay in bed and wait to see if my pad fills up, but as I am on my waddly way back to bed I notice a fresh blood spot on the carpet from my dripping. So I wake my husband up and we slowly and calmly pack up and head out thinking we will just be sent back for a false alarm again.
So we slip and slide up the now frozen over night hill and climb into the car to take an hour and a half slow venture to the post hospital.
They confirmed I was in labor (I wasn't feeling contractions, or at least not noticing what was happening as at this point I was a FTM.
My birthplan the whole pregnancy was for an epidural, and STAT! After all, who am I to think I could live through childbirth! Impossible!
So as soon as they offered I said yes, and I felt not a single thing but numb from that point on. I couldn't tell if or when I was pushing, they even told me to grunt and I made the most fake grunting noise possible. 9 hours at the hospital (with the help of pitocin to speed up labor) and my daughter entered the world, all the while God was throwing confetti (snow) all over the place to celebrate her birth, and I gradually started gaining feeling back in my bottom half.
THIS TIME!
I have decided I am strong, other women have done this, I do not want to feel so out of it for such a significant part of life. I want to be a part of my delivery this time, and know that I am pushing!
The plan is to be completely unmedicated, no pitocin, and to let labor progress at home as long as possible. The post we are at now has tubs for water labor and water birth, and I can't help but want to try it. The chances of tearing are lower, stress to the baby is typically a lot lower, and there is something that just seems easier about it. Not to mention you can't see my hoo haa bright as day if it is under water (at least I feel like it is a little bit more camoflauged).
I think I have a lot more confidence, mostly due to realizing I have a God who loves me. My marriage isn't brand new anymore. Being a mommy isn't brand new anymore. I feel like I am a little more prepared, but as soon as I start feeling that way it scares the heck out of me!
Have you ever watched a waterbirth video? YouTube it! All these women seem so calm, so serene but so in the moment and aware. I wonder if I can really do that, during such a big moment, can I really keep calm and trust in God to help me through?
I fear feeling like a failure because I chicken out and want an epidural. I fear I lose faith in myself and my God. This almost makes me want to go straight for an epidural like last time, but I know facing that needle in my back instead of facing my fears of self will only make me feel weak anyways.
So, prayerfully a waterbirth is in my future, and I can make it to the end without giving in.
Anyone who has delivered this way, or been a part of this type of delivery, please send words of wisdom and encouragement my way. I sure could use some the next month or so!
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